More nightmares

I'm going to post this straight... take a page from Lucia or something....

Adrenaline pumping, the evil weapon just crushed the head of Ryan, victory at last, but the explosions, I have lived this moment a hundred times in a loop already, I try anything to get them out ahead of me, every time I hear her scream. I hear her scream "Wait!" did that happen last time? Am I making stuff up now?

This time I wait... I wait for her to catch up, she has knife in hand, she plunges it into my stomach, as parts of the warehouse falls, I feel her hand, pulling into my stomach, I feel her pull my guts, I hear her whisper "I hate you" and "You disgust me" telling my in the sweetness of her voice how "You let me die, you failed us both" and "Your just going to let the girl die too"

I lay there, her face contorted, burned half off, most of her hair gone, holding my intestines in her hand, pulling them out slow, Now I see Antonio... half his head is gone, crushed off "You failed us Paul, you should have stayed" 

I didn't notice he was holding my eye... the one I lost, I wonder how "We can kill you now so you can join us" they say...

My only response is "Thank you" as they pull me apart....

Then I woke up feeling a weight on me, Anna was laying on my back keeping me wraped up in my bedroll, I guess I started flailing a bit and woke her up, and she was hoping I'd calm down, she sat up and asked if I wanted to talk about it.

Maya used to do that, and the fact Anna was starting to remind of Maya was really disturbing me.

"There getting worse" I mention

"I can tell" she replies "But you were going to hurt yourself like that"

I tell her about the dream, I'm crying openly, because at some level, I wished that had happened, that I'm just going to get her killed, that anyone traveling with me is going to be killed.

She just listens, then sits by me and hugs me as I bury my head in my hands, having the worst freak out in weeks, the damn broke with the dream... I scream, I rage... I hate... I let all the pain out.... she just listens and understands....

I make an oath... I will never call the Black Bokken out... I will never used that thing I used to kill with... I'll die first....

I know I still have a long way to go, these freakouts are no longer being the little tremors that they were... there like magnitude 8.0 earthquakes....

But maybe that just means I'm finally letting it all escape, to purge the pain from me, rather than let it bleed out.

I don't like not being in control, but I now know what I have to do... I have to go back to Tacoma...

We leave tomorrow....

Peace unfulfilled

It's amazing what sitting against the rock staring at the sea as dawn breaks can do for one's soul.

Anna and I have now been here several days, she's trying to be as supportive as she could be, I still feel like I need to keep her skills up, but it's not for the desperate reasons I had before, it's not out of anger like it was before...

I wonder if I'm coming to terms with everything.

I still have the nightmares, and I still barely sleep... I don't feel like I've done anything to be forgiven for my crimes... I'm still baddy repressing allot of the pain for the sake of being the tough stoic son of a bitch Anna needs me to be right now.

As much as she doesn't admit to it... She's scared..... We both are... I'm scared that I'm going to get her killed... She's scared that her dying will kill me...

Pretty justified all things considered.

We haven't seen any sign of Slendy or any proxies right now... which is good... I definitely don't need that... but about half an hour ago I saw that Sane might be dead right now... Gargoyle is going fucking insane... and Lucia is still burdened by grief...

Then I realize that were going to loose more before the end....

The thoughts make me tempted, tempted to never leave the beach, but we can't do that, were going to have to travel again sooner rather than later....

I have unfinished business of course.....

But I'm not ready to leave... I need more time, and I plan on taking it....

I can't leave here until I can finally close my eye without seeing there faces....